Getting lost into motherhood is a normal thing. We constantly are taking care of all the little details that make the house run efficiently. But what happens when the day to day task and taking care of everyone starts to get to you? You become lost, angry, mad and mean mom! But what you really need is a break.
This past week has been a hard week. Not because my husband is out of town but emotionally, I just have not been feeling myself. I am hating who I have become and hating the way I talk to my husband & kids and just hating everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and kids, but I am hating myself. Everything is emotionally charged in my house, and I find myself slipping into bad habits of not taking care of myself the way I should. Everyone tells you to find time for yourself but when is that?
My routine consists of getting up with my husband, drinking coffee while I prepare the kids school day, Chores, getting the kids up and so on. Once the kids are up, there is no time for anything but kids, kids and more kids. Does it sound like I am complaining? Well maybe I am but I choose this life so what do I have to complain about. Its everything that I wanted and more. So why am I unhappy? Well it comes down to, I am unhappy with myself for always putting me last. Why do we as mothers always put ourselves last?
My Mother-In-Law came over to stay the night with the girls while I took a night off. My husband is away on business, so I got things to give myself a little spa night in the hotel. While doing so, words that my beautiful 7-year-old rang out in my head. Every time I think of her words, it breaks my heart into a million pieces all over again. She asked me earlier in the day, “why do you hate me so much?”
I broke to the floor crying and questions flying through my head. How did I get here to the point where this beautiful child thinks I hate her so much? I of course grabbed onto her and hugged her so tightly and kept reassuring her that its not true and I love her with my whole heart. But her words stayed in my mind all night. As I sat giving myself a little spa evening, scrolling through tik toc, and a women says “How do you expect your children to love and be kind but you cant even do that to yourself?”
Bam, it was like a smack in the face. How can I teach my children to love, be kind and love others, when I don’t even love myself. So I sat there crying my eyes out and writing down questions for myself. The one question I had a very hard time answering was, What do I love about myself? I honestly still do not have an answer for this one. I love taking care of other but that is about others, not about me. Every answer I would start to give, was about others in some shape or form, but I cannot come up with what I love about me.
I know some may think it was wrong of me to let my kids see me sobbing but if motherhood has taught me anything, its that kids need to see that change is good, falling apart in life is okay but its how we pick ourselves up in the end. Kids need to see that we as parents are human and we make mistakes just like they do.
Are we fixed yet? No but at least my children see a little change in me that will make a difference. So now as I sit and readjust my whole daily schedule/routine. I am going to schedule more time to just play, to just have fun and less cleaning.
I had my kids help make lunch today. And the pure joy they had on their faces was so amazing to see. I may not have it all figured out but I am working to make it better!
Today, I ask you as a mom to ask yourself these 3 questions:
1. What in this life makes you happy?
2. Why are you grateful for each person in your family?
3. What do you love about yourself?
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