Recently, my husband asked me what I feel like my purpose in life is. As I sit and think about it, I keep going back and forth on this. It got me thinking, is my purpose to life one solid idea that I need to follow out or can I have a purpose and then add on or change that purpose. I like to believe that I can evolve and change that purpose or add to it.
A little back story to my life. I grew up in Southern Illinois where I met my Husband at
the age of 16. We married young and have grown together as adults. We have traveled, moved our lives to Texas, fought to keep our marriage and he has helped me through some of the deepest darkest parts of my life. At the age of 25, I found out that I had infertility. I was told it would be a major struggle to conceive and carry a child. And if I did find myself pregnant, I would likely miscarry without a doctor’s help. By the age of 32, I had many miscarriages. The pain and suffering that we as women go through and do it in silence, still breaks my heart today to know women feel so alone. PJ never allowed me to feel that way and held my hand through it all, but I still felt that way. We finally said enough and went to a specialist. I was about 100lbs overweight, but this doctor told me it would be no problem at all and my weight would not be a problem. So, we spent the money to have her help with getting me pregnant. Between the test, blood work, and exams, I felt I lived at the office for months.
Finally the day came, I had 3 fertilized eggs and they were implanted. Then the very long 2 week wait. I got the news that I was pregnant on my husband’s birthday. We had tears of joy and scheduled the follow ups and more blood work. We were happy and excited that I had made it past the 6 weeks. All was well. Morning sickness had started, food cravings and light cramps the doctor told me that would likely happen. At 10 weeks, while my husband was away for business, my world came crashing down. I was at work when the miscarriage happened, and all my co-workers knew PJ was away. My co-workers got me home and PJ did everything that he could from where he was and got home as quickly as possible. When we went in to do an exam and they told me that I had miscarried, I felt like life fell apart. PJ held me every moment of my sobs. A few days later, we saw the doctor again and she said the one thing that sent me into a deep depression that I never expected. The first words out of her mouth was, “well maybe if you weren’t 100 lbs over weight, the miscarriage would of never happened.” Those words still haunt me to this day. We trusted this doctor only for her to crush our hopes and dreams. This doctor made me feel like I was a horrible person, that I was crazy and she never said those things. PJ and I both knew differently.
Once Pj pulled me out of my depression, life began to move on. We bought our first home in Texas where we hoped and prayed we would be able to fill our home with love and laughter. We met our neighbors and they invited us to church. We believed in God but we did not feel like church people but something about this church pulled us in. We fit in, we belonged, I felt I was finding my purpose by opening up and helping other women through their miscarriages. I felt like I finally had found what was missing. Church, friends and the love of God. Then COVID hit, I lost my job, and still no kids in the home. I continued talking with women at church who needed support but at that moment in time, we still felt like something was missing.
We had really good friends talk to us about foster care and adoption. We prayed over this and felt it was our calling. For months we took classes, filled out paperwork, prepared our home for littles to come in and have a safe place while their parents got back on their feet. We were out to eat celebrating our anniversary when we got the call that 2 little girls were on their way. The brave little faces showing up at our door, I just knew that I was discovering part of my purpose. Little did we know 5 days before Christmas their brand-new baby sister would be joining us as well. Their story is not for me to tell but 18 months later we got the news that these girls could be adopted. It was a no brainer. They already acted like us, they already stole our hearts, and we loved them so much. They were truly meant to be here with us.
So, did I fulfill my purpose already or is it just changing now that I have fulfilled part of that purpose? I haven’t felt like I have a purpose besides motherhood, but my heart knows differently. I can feel it on the tip of my tongue but just can’t verbalize what I am to do with
my life. What is the passion I have and how can I help others? Where am I being led to use my purpose? How do I use the purpose I have fulfilled and continue to grow with it? I asked all these questions and still don’t know. I have faith, given it all to God and will let him guide me to follow the purpose he has for me. So, while I wait to figure out what that purpose is, we will continue to travel, share our story and pray that I can help others not feel so alone.
I will continue to share my story, not to find sympathy but hopefully to encourage other women that it is okay to talk about their struggles. They are not alone and there is always hope. There are so many women who need a person to listen and talk to. I know I am always here to help another woman going through a hard time. Would I love to have a baby of my own, of course! But whatever is the plan/purpose for my life, I will continue to wait and have that time of my life while waiting!
Have you discovered your purpose in life?
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